New Year’s News - You’re Not Alone
It is with great sadness that I post the following post. Or post the following writing. Or perhaps write the following post. Well, let me just say I’m sad. And I’m writing.
Tragedy has again struck New York City. And, apparently, terrorists are to blame. According to my sources, the sadness is widespread, the grieving extensive. It seems that at about 3 P.M., in Grand Central Station, someone, perhaps unaccustomed to our culture, made a rude noise. Witnesses described the noise as sounding somewhere between an unexpected cardiac infarction during an unplanned bowel movement and a moose blowing his nose while drinking the pristine waters of the north. Although these things happen regularly in the station, the former Prime Minister of Pakistan had, unfortunately, recently been assassinated. Security personnel immediately called the White House. The President of the United States, after a brief meeting with his closest advisers, Dick Chaney, issued the following announcement.
“I am aware that here, in America, on New Years Eve, in New York City, the financial capital of the world, there has been an incident of Ali Kappa’s poppa striking at us again. I am sure all Americans share with me the profound sorrow that is felt by Republicans everywhere. This unfortunate event could not have been foreseen by anyone at Yale, in the C.I.A., the N.S.A., the S.D.I.; Oops! I wasn’t supposed to mention that there’s an S.D.I. But you get the point. A lot of us home town folks are upset!”
The Transportation Safety Administration was immediately ordered to lower the limit of explosive ingredients allowed in little bottles on planes from three ounces to two ounces. In response to the request, Democrats said they would require an immediate $300 million dollars from the Federal Government to train the Transportation Inspection workers in fractions. Nancy Pelosi, a great big democrat, asked, pointedly, how government workers would be be expected to divide two by three while looking at live images of attractive passengers walking through the fun screen, although she admitted that most didn’t have a problem with dividing three by two.
In return, she promised that all air traffic controllers would show up sober for the New Year’s night shifts. When asked how she could implement so drastic a revision of practice so promptly, she replied, “Da fu?” as she slumped in her chair. Political insiders think that this must be a previously undisclosed Democratic call to action.
Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani offered to return to New York to officially welcome in the New Year, while insuring the city’s safety.
“I’ll bring my own Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1870 Pauillac”, the Mayor said. “It’s the best of the pre-phylloxera vintages,” he added, implying with winks and elbow jabs that the value of well kept bottles of the stuff could only go up. Unfortunately, as he made this remark, he himself had an unexpected bowel movement, and rapidly moved away from the press box.
For all of you who have indulged me this far, I wish you a Happy New Year. Yes, some of us are alone, perhaps in pain, physical or spiritual.
Hang in there! There are many who care about you. A new world is coming. I don’t quite understand it myself, but 2008 will be better than 2007. People who care for you may not know where you are or may be unable to reach you for a while. And, of course, you are always invited to post a comment here.
With love, an old philosopher.
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