Philosophers Deli

This tricky story and hard to write. Hard because of language. English has a word for everything. English has one million words, most of which we don’t know, even though they pretty much all written down in big books in Oxford.

My language has fewer words but each word mean many different things. For example, use same words for phrase “Welcome, honored guest” and “Pig go eat in cellar”. But if host give modest cough, or roll eyes, the meaning is the second one.

Anyway, this week I go to old philosopher’s apartment again. But this time easier. This time I take a chance. “Trick or Treat,” I say with knocking, knocking. “It’s not Halloween,” say old philosopher. “For you it is,” I say. “What you mean,” he say. “I mean that I could trick you or I could treat you to lunch. When is last time you been in restaurant?” No answer for a minute. Then he say, “It’s been a while. But now I know you’re here, no way you trick me after last two times.”

“Of course I could,” I tell him. “Oh yeah? How?” he ask. “I use Bunchy-Foot trick. It very good trick, even if person was tricked in past by Bunchy-Foot. Most don’t even know they’ve been Bunchy-Foot.”

He pause. Then he say OK, he getting tired of being tied up, even with the pizza. I ask what type food he like best. This Manhattan, so other than exotic French restaurant, where reservations must be enforced in equity court, you pretty much get what you want. He ask if any good Shanghai restaurants left. Yes! More than ever. But stay away if look like decorated by pimp or serve alcohol. Look for small storefront with all Chinese people inside in families. This sound good to him. So we take train to Chinatown and soon find restaurant that look good to us. Go in and sit down.

Philosopher hungry but don’t know what to eat. Everyone likes soup dumplings, I say. He look at me funny. But I order them. Soon show up. “How eat?”, he ask. “This be messy,” I say. “Be careful no burn yourself. Take small nibble where dough crimped at top. Let dumpling cool down a little. Then stuff whole big dumpling in mouth and bite and chew. Juicy flavor go everywhere.” He do this and then get up and jump and jump with joy. We eat many dumplings.

Philosopher ask me who’s going to win, Little-Eagle-Feathers or Pineapple-Boy? I tell him I don’t know. I just happy they lock up somebody new in big house. Too many problems, I say. Insurance a problem. Housing a problem. Jobs a problem. Global warming a problem. List could go on and on. I tell him I can’t fix problems. I was reporter. Could get facts very good but not write good. My editor say that’s OK, he fix commas and things. Then editor get fired. New editor doesn’t want to bother with commas and things. Doesn’t even like reporters. Would rather pull story off A.P. newswire print ready. So every story must be print ready. I not last long, even though I know lots of people. So before I go I warn people about Stupid Tuesday. I tell them it pretty much hands election over to other party. It is like each voter gets dart and throw at barn all at once. Darts all over barn. But patterns. Left hand dart thrower has dart on left. Right hand dart thrower has dart on right. Old dart thrower has darts at bottom. Young dart thrower hits middle or higher. But when I warn people they laugh. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha, they say. So hold Stupid Tuesday and guess what happen. Lots of old people, darts all say Little-Eagle-Feathers. Lots of young people, darts all say Pineapple-Boy. Now what? Now a few rich people who say to poor people “Screw you and your pizza, too.”

I say I can do small tricks like pizza trick and bunchy-foot, but I can’t do big tricks like insurance companies can. Insurance company, Car company, all big companies try to give money to every big candidate. This make them bigger and hard to beat. No matter who wins, companies own them.

Then they trick us. Instead of brake, they put funny pedal in wrong place and make you drive like crazy into ocean or other car. They always making up new tricks, but result the same. They reach in our pockets and take all our money. If you have no money, then no insurance. Let’s say you sick and can’t work. Then you in big trouble. Same with banks. Same with doctors. Long line of people all to get your money. College first in line. Country supposed to protect, but turn around and hurt us. Still, country was pretty good for many years. But not if you Native American. Not if you Black. Not if you Mexican.

What if you have good system but don’t let anyone turn on system? No money for anti-trust enforcement. No money for safe toys for kids. No money for electric cars. No money for education. All schools become trade schools. Go look at computer screen and no more schools, no more teacher.

You become programmer, there’s a school for you and get job. You become doctor, same thing. Dentist. Accountant. Actuary. Engineer. But what if you want to learn about history and languages and music and art and other cultures? Then nothing. Nothing with big price tag. Education only for the wealthy now. Everything else trade school. So we have lots of uneducated people who scare easy. Afraid to fly. Afraid of tall buildings. Afraid of terrorists hiding under bed.

So we give away our privacy so government can round up terrorists. Government set up straw man argument. Terrorists want to come here and get us. Nonsense. They just want us to leave their countries alone. How many terrorists hurt people in this country last year? None. Government says this proof government working. I say I chase away dangerous elephants for a living. You see any elephants? No? That means I good at job. What if I want to become philosopher? Come on. You philosopher. Maybe you can help.

Philosopher sense my frustration. But he say a little about being philosopher. He say how he was other things before philosopher. Technical things. But not happy. So he read and read. He take courses and write papers. But always same thing: look for answers and wind up not really knowing what questions even mean. So that what he knows is really just what he feels should be. People should be free. What that mean? Don’t ask because I don’t know, he say. People should care for each other. What best way to do that? Don’t know. But beware of people who say they do know. More likely, they want something; money, power, fame…something. And when you support these people you diminish yourself in some way that he can’t put into words. Maybe someone get into big house and do some good. But he not holding his breath. That all he say.

Little-Eagle-Feathers and Pineapple-Boy race to see who can get locked up in big house. They race all over country. Pineapple-Boy a bit faster because Little-Eagle-Feathers covered in tar. But she still pretty quick and race is close. Some people say stop race. Some people say racing is good for whole country. But race not last forever. Race ends at latest when Monster-Rally ends. When race over, still one more race to finally decide. That race against Snapping-Turtle-Prisoner. He not fast but he very dangerous, very old and tricky. And very, very tough.

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