Philosophers Deli

Hah! Got old philosopher again. He tied up in next room again! First I knock on door. “Go Away!”, he shout. “We save whole world!”, I tell him. He philosopher, after all, and that good philosophy trick, save world. But no work this time. “I got a gun”, he say. “Now get the hell outta here!” “OK”, I say, “You never see me again. Ever. I mean Never. I just go.” Then I go buy big pizza. Then I see little boy on street. “How you like earn five dollar?”, I say. “Screw you and your pizza too”, he say. This good start. He can hear! And he not blind! “OK, ten dollar”, I say. Then I tell him plan.

Soon I knock on old philosopher’s door. He smell pizza. “Who is it?”, he ask. Kid say, “I Little-Jimmy from down street with apology pizza for wise philosopher. Crazy person say he sorry he trick you.” “Well, forgive and forget”, philosopher say. He open door and I jump out and tie him up. He still get pizza. Now to story!

Little-Eagle-Feathers and Pineapple-Boy look at same house behind gate. Then Little-Eagle-Feathers and Pineapple-Boy look at each other. They look and look. Little-Eagle-Feathers remembers King Kong lesson, be friendly and smile a lot. She say “Gate locked, and crazy person locked up inside. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!”.

Pineapple-Boy say nothing. He know to wait!

“Soon crazy person move out. Soon I live in that house. I smash! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!”, say Little-Eagle-Feathers. “How you gonna do that?”, say Pineapple-Boy. “I smile a lot. Then they don’t catch on. Ha Ha Ha!”, say Little-Eagle-Feathers. “That’s not smilin’, that’s laughing.”, say Pineapple-Boy. Then Pineapple-Boy think and think. Then Pineapple-Boy say “But that’s great. Laughing’s even better. Specially if you laugh when they don’t expect it. Then they know you’re really, really friendly”, say Pineapple-Boy. “By the way”, say Pineapple-Boy, “how you know when it’s time to move in?” “That first lesson”, say Little-Eagle-Feathers. “I tell you. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.” Then stand on box.

“A long time ago, in another universe, I live in that house. Ha Ha Ha Ha. I remember I was lady. Big lady. Biggest lady of all. But then I get thrown into La Brea Tar Pits. You know when? This happen when Mr. Big give “Let My People Go” speech. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. This speech he give when nobody looking. Best way to smash things. First he make up list. You do favor, you get on list. You do business, you get on list. You friend, you get on list. But if you give money, you can only get some other person on list. That a rule. Ha. Idiot could get around that rule!”

By now, Pineapple-Boy could see that Little-Eagle-Feathers was getting agitated. Her voice become shrill. Her complexion turned pale and she flapped her arms a few times. “Stupid Mr. Big call up Department of Justice. This late at night. I don’t know why Department of Justice open late at night. Usually, it’s closed. Maybe this special night, because I could smell much pizza all the way over here. Anyway, he call. “Who’s this?”, they say. “This Mr. Big. Let My People Go!” Then he read list. Then he make them read it back so he know it good. Then he hang up. Next thing I remember, I am in La Brea Tar Pits.” Little-Eagle-Feathers began to sway back and forth. “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Now another list being made. King Kong tell me. This be biggest list of all! So soon I move in house and smash everything! Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmas.” And Little-Eagle-Feathers fall off box and faint on street.

Philosopher getting quicker at eating pizza. This getting expensive. Next time no pepperoni! Got to go. Back soon.

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